The people who use the bathroom at the Fossil home office have made me realize that we are in desperate need of some ground rules. Here’s what I’ve compiled so far.
Stall/Urinal separation – if I’m using the urinal on the left and the two next to me are open, don’t come in and use the one right next to me. Skip one and leave a buffer. It’s just more comfortable and less awkward. Same goes in the stalls. Look for the feet, don’t sit right next to me. At minimum leave one stall open, preferably two.
Urinal Talk – Don’t do it. The conversation is forced and weird and I’m just trying to pee and get out.
No Cell Zone – Don’t text or talk on your phone while you’re doing your business. What would you do if the person on the other end of the line asked, “what are you doing?”
No Magazines – This is ok at home, but not at work. So weird hearing the pages flip as you’re sitting there.
Keep the noises to a minimum – I realize we’re not all super regular. If you have to strain or grunt to make a shdooby, then you need to eat more fiber. I don’t want to hear you working one out. I also don’t want to hear any massive explosions. If you know it’s going to be a doozy, wait until the bathroom clears out to let it rip or mask it with a simultaneous flush or loud cough. Oprah recommends laying a cushioning layer of toilet paper in the water. This softens the dropping/splashing noise.
Courtesy Flush – this is a common practice. When your shdoobs stank, flush it down even if you’re not finished. This prevents the entire bathroom from being tainted and makes it bearable for others to enter.
Flush Check – Automatic flushing toilets are great. But they don’t always flush and they don’t always get it all with one flush. Check your shit before you leave the stall. No one wants to walk into that. I once walked into a stall to find a piece of poop the size of a child’s arm. I haven’t been the same since.
Hand Washing – washing your hands isn’t just for preventing the spread of the swine flu. It should be done after using the restroom too. Even if you don’t embrace this practice, do it when there are others in the restroom. They are watching you to see if you do. I promise.
